You and I Both

A fic inspired by Jason Mraz's "You and I Both" single. I wanted to capture a moment where every couple's faith on each other is tested by a fight, a quarrel, over the most nonsensical things.                                                                

I see her tears,

Her lips quiver

Like leaves under the rain…

You and I Both

“Where are you?” Keun Suk’s voice is irritated and Shin Hye doesn’t like how it sounds, at all. She frowns a little then excuses herself out of the room to take his call in private, away from the loud, boisterous laughter of her friends.

“I’m at my friend’s party,” she answers, walking towards the exit of the restaurant.

“Have you checked your phone today? I have been trying to reach you the whole night.” She hears loud music and voices blaring from his end. Clubbing again, she purses her lips.

“I turned the sound off. And it was in my bag. I’m sorry,” she explains. She was attending a send-off party for her childhood friend who would be leaving to study abroad. It was a party she made sure to never miss despite her busy schedule. Eun Bi is one of her oldest, dearest friends and she did not want to miss seeing her off before she hops off to Australia the next day.

“I thought you have a photo-shoot today. I didn’t know you would be going out tonight.” She hears a clicking sound then his voice asking someone, “Got a light?”

“I was at a photo-shoot earlier today, I went straight here after I was done,” she says, patiently. She knows what this conversation is heading to again and she massages her temples gently. Not tonight, Oppa, she begs him silently.

Keun Suk hates it when he doesn’t have any idea where she is at or how to reach her any time he wants to. She is no hypocrite. Of course she loves the attention, the possessiveness that underlies Keun Suk’s real intent on keeping track of her whereabouts. Although he never says it outright to her, she knows he just wants to know what she is doing even if he can’t be there for her physically. But sometimes, her busy schedule just won’t allow her to keep him updated all the time of her events and she just can’t always be glued to her phone. He is also busy with his own projects and she totally understands if days will go by without hearing anything from him but Keun Suk does not feel the same way when she fails to answer his calls or reply to his messages.

“It’s 11 o’clock. Aren’t you going home yet?” Keun Suk asks her, his voice still dripping with annoyance, she can tell.

“In thirty minutes or so,” she informs him, checking her watch.

“I’ll go pick you up then. I’m done here anyway. Give me your location,” he tells her, in a tone that says he won’t take no for an answer.

~0o0~

Keun Suk sees how the guy playfully ruffles Shin Hye’s hair, gives her a hug that seems like longer than necessary and grasps her hand playfully as they laugh at what Shin Hye is telling him. They are standing in front of the restaurant, the guy obviously seeing her off, noting how he has waved and bowed at Shin Hye for the 2^nd time in the last five minutes but never really leaving her side. Keun Suk seethes in annoyance inside his car at the sight of them.

He checks his reflection on the rearview mirror, smoothes his hair in place and dons his cap. In normal circumstances he really just waits in the car whenever he picks up Shin Hye from one of her events or parties. It is one of those necessary precautions they have to take to shield their relationship from prying eyes. But not tonight, Keun Suk hisses under his breath as he gets out of the car and walks towards Shin Hye and her overly enthusiastic friend.

“Shin Hye, are you ready?” he asks a startled Shin Hye, approaching them unceremoniously. “Annyeonghaseyo,” he greets her friend, remembering his manners.

Shin Hye’s eyes widen in surprise at the sight of him. He knows the question and the alarm radiating from her eyes but he ignores it, choosing to rest his attention on the guy that has been holding his girlfriend’s hands a little too enthusiastically just a few minutes ago.

The guy looks surprised, too, at Keun Suk’s sudden appearance, but he quickly recovers from it and bows at his greeting. “Anneonghaseyo.” He then looks at Shin Hye with an obvious question on his face.

“Keun Suk-opp---sunbae,” she corrects herself in time, “This is Dong Wook-ssi, my friend. Dong Wook, perhaps you already know who sunbae is,” Shin Hye turns to her friend charmingly and Keun Suk suddenly has the urge to wipe the smile off the guy’s face.

The guy smiles at her, then to him. “Of course, I do. Nice to meet you,” he bows again, speaking to him formally.

“So I guess I, I mean, we, better get going then,” Shin Hye informs Dong Wook, eager to get Keun Suk away from the scene as soon as possible. “Let’s meet again sometime with Hyun Joo and the rest. Let’s keep in touch.”

Keun Suk gives a curt bow and walks ahead towards the car with Shin Hye trailing behind. From a distance, he knew the guy was being too friendly with Shin Hye with his lingering touch and gestures. Up close, he confirmed it. That Dong Wook guy is clearly and hopelessly smitten with his girl. Dream on, he mutters under his breath.

~0o0~

“So, who was that guy?” He asks, acting nonchalant, starting the car.

“He’s Dong Wook—

“I got his name. But who he is exactly?” he cuts her off.

Shin Hye looks at him, trying to read his face. “A childhood friend.  We grew up in the same neighbourhood. We haven’t seen in a while, until now. Would you believe that?” she asks, attempting to make the conversation a little lighter. She is in no mood to indulge his dark mood right now.

“Were you really that close?”

“What do you mean?” She definitely hears the annoyance creeping back into his voice.

“He couldn’t get his hands off you,” he snorts.

Shin Hye throws him a knowing smile. “Are you jealous?” she tries to act cute, a little flattered. She pokes his side playfully.  

He ignores her question. “So if I didn’t pick you up, would he be driving you home instead?”

She smiles. Something in his tone, the sarcasm lacing the words perhaps, is getting at her but she plays dumb. She remembers he is flying off to China tomorrow to film a CF and will be away for a week. She doesn’t want them parting like this.

“You are jealous, oppa,” she makes her voice a little cheery, still bent on making the atmosphere lighter.

“I’m not jealous. I just don’t like seeing you getting intimate with some guy in public places. You’re a celebrity, for God’s sake! ”

She blisters at his remark. “I was not getting intimate with him. And that some guy is my friend,” she snaps at him. I practically knew him longer than we’ve known each other!

“Someone you haven’t seen in years and suddenly he’s being touchy-feely with you? Man, he’s a fast one!”

She sees him balling his hand into a fist on the steering wheel and she knows that the best thing to do now is just keep quiet, if she wants some peace. But she has had it for tonight. First, his annoyance over the phone. Then this. It has been a long day for her and she certainly doesn’t deserve being snapped at over something she didn’t even do.

“Are you trying to pick a fight with me?” she asks him slowly, her voice low. A sign that she is getting pissed off. Something which is not lost on Keun Suk but he is already angry. And there is no turning back.

“You know that I hate it when I don’t have any idea where you are and I can’t reach you. I was calling you all night and you were not picking up. Then the next thing I knew some guy is giving you a hug in public. Tell me, is that fair with me?”

Shin Hye looks at his scowling face. “You make it sound like I was dating him behind your back,” she answers back. “He just volunteered to see me out. We were just saying our goodbyes. He was just being nice…you know what, I don’t know why I’m even bothering to explain this to you when you clearly has judged me that quickly and harshly,” she can no longer contain her anger. You asked for this.

Silence. Keun Suk keeps his eyes on the road, still seething with annoyance.

“Please don’t make me feel like it’s a fault to meet my friends. I missed your calls because I was trying to make time for my friends. And Dong Wook was not just some guy. He is my friend. It’s not like he is my ex-boyfriend or something,” Shin Hye continues. “Would you like me to throw a fit like this every time you see your favorite noona? You won’t, right?” Shin Hye knows the last one is a cheap shot to hurl at him but it just slips out of her mouth so easily.

Keun Suk snorts sharply at her last retort. “So that’s what this is all about, isn’t it? Trying to get even with me?” He knows fully well where Shin Hye is getting at. Noona is the ex-girlfriend he regularly sees in random meetings with his university friends. She is a part of his circle at the university and they have remained good friends even after their split.

“Well, I’m sure you’re not doing anything wrong with her. She is just your friend now, right? I totally see that. So why don’t you see things my way, too? For a change,” she asks him sarcastically. She just wishes for the drive to be over so she can shut up. Suddenly all her pent-up issues with that particular noona are being revived as they speak.

He laughs dryly. “I can’t believe you just turned the table on me. So, now what? I would end up apologizing to you again when it was you who was not picking up my calls in the first place? You could not even send me a text message to let me know where you were exactly. Was that too much to ask?”

Suddenly she knows what he is really waiting for to hear. Letting her annoyance simmer down, she lets out a deep sigh. “Mianhe,” she concedes. She just wants this to end. Besides, she really feels guilty about the missed calls. She knows how he values constant communication between them.

“Say that to me when you really mean it,” Keun Suk tactfully tells her, rejecting her apology.

His reply sears Shin Hye like an iron rod. She set aside her own annoyance to apologize for this? Angry tears pooled in her eyes. “What did you just say?” she asks, brushing away the tears.

He sees her tears and flinches, then frowns. "Stop crying. Don’t make me feel like the bad guy here again."

Something in Shin Hye’s mind snaps. “Stop the car. I’m getting out.”

“We are almost there,” he replies, his face and voice hardening.

“Pull over,” Shin Hye tells him again, louder this time. She needs to get out before she starts spitting venom at him. Oh, God knows she badly wants to. She needs to get away from him or she will just cry because of her pent-up anger which will only irritates him further, and will only make her look like a pathetic loser.

This is a fight she wants to win. Even just this once.

“I heard you the first time. I’m not going to pull over until I get you home. Stop being childish, Shin Hye,” he reprimands her and keeps on driving.

The minute he pulls over in front of her building, she immediately unbuckles her seatbelt. She wants to bolt out right there and then but first, she needs to give him a piece of her sick and tired mind. Eyes glassy with anger, she turns to him, “If you have ghosts in your head, deal with them. Don’t take it out on me. You don’t trust me when I’m with own my friends?” she asks, her voice contemptuous. “Then why do I trust you with yours? You think I’m childish, you hate to see me cry, you don’t trust me. Have you ever wondered why you are still seeing me, Oppa?” The “oppa” she purposely lace with sarcasm.

“I didn’t say I don’t trust…” he starts to say but she is already slamming the car door.

Keun Suk stares at her retreating back and hits the steering wheel with his balled fists. Did she just walk out on me? He asks himself, getting pissed off more than ever. Cursing under his breath, he drives off into the night.

He is angry because the fight with Shin Hye was something he didn't plan. He hates fighting with her over anything, especially nonsensical things, because he always ends up feeling guilty. And he hates to apologize. God knows how it hurts his pride to let the word 'sorry' slip out of his mouth. But he always makes exceptions when it comes to her. He feels bad when she cries and seeing her tears makes him swallow his pride every time, just to placate her.

But tonight, he knows he just lost it when she started getting annoyed herself.

The funny thing is he doesn't even know how they ended up arguing over other people. He didn't know Kim Hana was getting at Shin Hye's nerves. He smiles, despite his foul mood, at the thought. Well, that is a good sign. She does get jealous, after all.

He knows the jealousy over Shin Hye's friend was only an effect of his frustration and annoyance over his failure to contact her earlier that night. He hates it when he gets overboard with his anger like this but she had it coming, didn't she? She knows he doesn't want to be left out in the dark about her activities. "It's bad enough that I don't get to see you often. It's even worse when I don't know where you are and what on earth you are doing," he has verbalized his frustration once when she got shipped unceremoniously to some unknown location to do volunteer work, without him knowing anything about it. He doesn't like it when he is being left out of the loop on her whereabouts.

His past girlfriends had a word to describe this side of him - possessive. And admittedly, he is. He doesn't look like it to others, but when he is in a relationship with someone, he can really get overzealous about her attention and how she spends her time with him.

Parking his car on their driveway, he lingers for a moment in the driver's seat and deliberates on whether he should call her to talk things over. He is leaving for China tomorrow and he doesn't want leaving her like this. But this is not my fault this time around, he reasons out with himself. Giving in to her this time would only make my point trivial to her. No, she should realize that sometimes things don't get resolved between us just because I feel guilty over her tears.

He brushes the thought of her angry tears from his mind and eases out of his car.  

~0o0~

Shin Hye never knew she can hate him this much. Hate. So it is true how they say you can never hate someone so much unless he means something to you. She brushes angry tears from her eyes and splashes water on her face. Did she do the right thing when she agreed to start this relationship with Keun Suk? She scoffs at herself on the mirror. That question is getting old. Of course she did the right thing. Honestly, you can never ask yourself that everytime you two have a fight, she chides herself. She fell for him in the first place. And starting a relationship was the most natural thing to do when you fell that fast. It was the logical thing to do.

But she never thought fighting with him could bring so much hurt to her. This is the first fight they ever had that left her hurting and angry. The first time she walked off without worrying how he must have felt. The first time she really got annoyed and pissed off she really doesn’t want to see him for now. Or maybe in the next few days.

How dared he turn down my apology like I didn’t mean it! That was what really made her angry. Sorry is not a word she takes so lightly. She only says it when she means it. And it really stung her when he bluntly told her she didn’t mean what she was saying. It was hard enough to apologize for something she really didn’t intend to do. But to get rejected for the effort, just so they could part amicably for the night? It was a blow Shin Hye doesn’t intend to take lightly.

Call me naïve, childish and immature and I say, maybe I really am those things sometimes. But to tell me that I lie about what I say? This is war.

~0o0~

Keun Suk listens to the incessant ringing on the other line and swears. One week is long enough to dodge my calls, Shin Hye, he grits his teeth. This fight is getting through his nerves. He has been to China and back but still Shin Hye is not picking up his calls. She has only answered through a text message once to say that “I’m too immature for you to handle at the moment. And you might not understand my baby talk if we speak right now so just back off.” He has laughed off at her response. Trust Shin Hye to rear her immature head when she is upset. He thought it cute, though, thinking she was at least not giving her the cold shoulder treatment, yet.  

He was done being mad the minute he landed in China and started missing her. He knew he overreacted that night, said a few harsh words and yeah, maybe he really did deserve to be walked out on after throwing that possessive/jealous fit. But don’t all couples fight? He thought so. And just for the record, he loves seeing Shin Hye cry. She looks the most beautiful when she tears up. Besides, seeing her upset gives him a chance on seeing another side to her vulnerability – him. When she sheds tears because of him, he feels humbled…and strange as it may seem, he feels her feelings for her more. It is something precious, to see her cry for him.

But not when she is taking too long to take his cue for them to kiss and make up.

~0o0~

He looks at her sleeping face, enchanted at how make-up deftly transformed her from the innocent, perky, fresh-faced girl he knows off-cam to the cosmopolitan vixen the magazine shoot has been aiming her to portray across its glossy pages. 

He checks his watch, another 15 minutes more and the photographer's assistant would come waking her for another series of shoots. Her manager has directed her here, to her van, when he came straight at the photo-shoot location directly from the airport. Coming here was a bit risky to pull off, knowing how it could spark gossip if the crew gets wind of him visiting Shin Hye on the set but he wanted to see her immediately as soon as his plane touched down. The gossips and Manager Jun’s disapproving glares, he can deal with later.

She was given an hour break, Manager Jun has told him, and she said she would like to catch a quick nap. She has not been getting enough sleep lately because she was rushing some things in school, Keun Suk was told further, and on top of that, she has to finish three magazine cover shoots all in a week's time.

And to make matters worse, Keun Suk gazes at Shin Hye's serene, made-up face, you have to deal with an overbearing, possessive bf with a pride as tall as Mt. Halla.

Shin Hye starts to stir, her eyelashes fluttering as she opens her eyes slowly. When her eyes meet his, she instinctively turns away, hands shielding her face “What are you doing here?” she asks in a small voice.

“To see you,” Keun Suk replies, brushing away an invisible strand of hair on her face.

She sits up straight, avoiding his eyes. “I’m not yet done with the photoshoot.”

“I know. I will wait for you until you’re done.” He smiles at her. This is getting awkward than he originally thought. She is still obviously upset, he observes. Avoiding his eyes is one sure way to tell that Shin Hye is still angry at him.

“Are we still fighting?” He asks her softly but seriously.

“I don’t know.” She glances at her watch. “I think I should head out now and go back.”

“I will wait for you here. My car’s parked right next to yours.” He opens the door and holds it out for her.

She finally looks at him, curious to see if he is serious about waiting up. “It’s up to you. I should be done in an hour or so.”

He looks at her walking back to the building where the photo-shoot is taking place and heaves a sigh. He really made her upset, he can see and feel that now. It is so unlike Shin Hye to stay mad or annoyed at him this long.

Maybe he really did something hurtful to her more than he thought he did.

~0o0~

Shin Hye walks out of the building towards the parking lot with an anxious heart. Is he really waiting for her like he said he would? She checks her watch. It has been close to two hours since she went back to continue the photoshoot. She was really surprised to see him staring at her when she woke up from her nap. Mad as she was at him, she still missed him for the whole time they did not see each other. If not for her hectic work schedule she knew she would have give in and throw in the towel the first day he was away. But she always reminded herself that nothing was her fault this time and she should win over him.

Seeing him standing in front of his car sporting the bent-head-with-hands-in-pockets chastised look she is so familiar with, she knows she is just minutes away in winning her award.

“You really waited,” she tells him matter-of-factly.

He gives her an awkward, tentative smile. “I told you so.” Looking over her for her stylist and manager, he asks, “I was hoping I can drive you home. Will it be okay for them if we go ahead?”

She hides a smile. His polite tone and his awkwardness make her want to laugh. It is so unlike him to be this…meek. “They should be coming out in a while. I just went ahead because you said you would wait…” she trails on, looking at his face. He looks good even in sweatshirts and simple jeans but his weary eyes alarm her. Is he anxious to see her, too?

He nods. “Then, shall we go?” He has been waiting for her too long he just wants to whisk her away fast. There are a lot of things they need to talk about.

She locks gaze with him for a second then nods.

~0o0~

They drive silently for awhile before Keun Suk breaks the silence. “Let’s go somewhere else to talk.” He is merely letting her know they are going somewhere, not asking her acquiescence. She mumbles an incoherent ‘sure’ and stays silent the rest of the way.

He pulls over at a small public park at the outskirts of the city. At 7 in the evening, the park is already deserted. He parks the car under a tree and turns the engine off. “Can you give me a minute? I’ll be back,” he tells her gently and without waiting for her response, he gets out of the car and walks a few feet away.

From the car’s interior, she sees him light a cigarette while gazing quietly at the horizon. She feels her heart throbbing wildly. This is the first time he needed a smoke before talking to her. Is this normal? Is he gearing for another fight? What is this? She panics. Does he really need to be alone before talking to me when I am already in front of him?

A little, wicked voice inside her speaks the inevitable. Are we about to break up? She feels her lungs constrict for a moment and gets out of the car. She can’t breathe in there.

Seeing the car door slammed shut, Keun Suk turns to her direction immediately. He gives the stick one last drag and throws it at his feet, crushing it. He walks back towards Shin Hye.

He goes behind where she stands, leaning on the car’s hood. “Stay,” he says softly.

She turns her head towards him, eyes searching his. She heard the word but it was too vague for her to comprehend. Stay?

“Stay with me, Shin Hye,” he repeats. He bows down his head, pockets his hands and sighs. He is about to open his heart to a girl again and the idea just scares the daylights out of him. He is not good in verbalizing his feelings. He is better acting them out but sometimes, he knows now, actions may be louder than words but they certainly give mixed signals. And judging from what Shin Hye and he had just been through this past week, if he doesn’t get his acts together anytime soon, he will lose a girlfriend just because he refuses to verbalize his feelings to her.

“You were right. I have ghosts to deal with in my head. And I…it’s unfair that I let you face them without you even knowing about their existence,” he begins, running his hand through his hair. “That’s not fair,” he reiterates, looking at her.

She stares back, trying to comprehend what the conversation is heading to. “Okay. Then introduce them to me. Now.”

He bites his lower lip nervously. “I hate being lied to…because I have been lied to before and it broke my heart. That’s why I don’t want to be out of the loop whenever you are concerned because I just don’t want to be the last to know of everything that affects you. You know what I mean?” He turns to her, searching to see if she understands what he is trying to say.

She nods slowly. He continues, “That’s a lingering aftermath of being lied to big time. I learned the hard way that white lies can lead to bigger lies. I know that makes me sound possessive and distrustful but please understand that this is not about you. It is about me.”

“I hate lies, too,” she replies. “That’s why I do not lie. Especially to you.”

He gives her a little smile. “I know and I appreciate that.”

“The next ghost?” she arches a brow.

“Kim Hana,” he says outright, his eyes never leaving her face, wanting to see her reaction at the name.

She scowls automatically at the sound of it. “That’s a ghost in my head. Not in yours.”

He laughs silently at her reaction. “Then I guess she has been hovering around us for too long, huh?”

She deepens her scowl. “She is your friend, according to you. How can I compete with that?”

He hangs his head, hiding his smile. “She and I…we have been over for two years, Shin Hye. We just parted amicably that’s why we are still friends. And for the record, just so you know, it was I who ended it,” he explains sheepishly.

“But you see her regularly. And she’s friends with your friends,” she rebuts. “And even if you dumped her first, it’s not you I’m really worried about. It’s her. I don’t know her. I don’t trust her.”

Keun Suk can no longer hide his smile. “I see her only because we have the same set of friends in school. But I don’t see her regularly. She’s just a noona for me now.”

Noona. The very word, when it comes from Keun Suk’s mouth, can spin Shin Hye to jealousyville faster than lightning. And right now, hearing him speak the word in the same sentence with his ex just riles her insecurity on his known fixation with noonas again.

“Exactly! She is your noona,” she points out to him, her annoyance creeping in through her words. “Don’t you just love noonas?” She can’t help it but she swears that if he doesn’t give the right answer now they would end up fighting again.

Keun Suk tilts his head to look at her face closely. I am loving this conversation every minute, he tells himself. This is the first time he sees a jealous Shin Hye, unedited and uncut. She has always been very shy and discreet about her jealous streak in the past. The most she ever did to express her jealousy was to pout for a second and then laughs it off the next minute. Or worse, just ignore it which sometimes exasperated him. But now, she is on the verge of throwing a temper.

"Did you know what made me ask you out the first time?"

She shakes her head.

“I was really debating with myself then, you know. It was a scary idea because you look so innocent and so young I told myself there’s no way I’m going to handle taking care of someone as fragile as you,” he confesses. “Plus, we were in the middle of filming the drama. I didn’t want us to be awkward and I feared that dating you would jeopardize our working relationship on set.”

She looks at him, a little surprised. “Then what made you change your mind?”

"Because you were not afraid to fall for me," he whispers the words, almost shy to say them out loud. "Call me presumptuous, but I did feel you were starting to like me then. More than you like Hong Ki and Yong Hwa. I knew. And I admired the way you just succumbed to it. Without pretensions, without holding back."

"The noonas I used to know were never like that. They think too much. More than they feel. Because they have been jaded before. Been hurt a lot, they say. So they are cautious. Especially with younger guys like me."

"But with you...you were a breath of fresh air. I felt you falling for me long before you even realized it. This girl is not afraid to fall, I remember telling myself. And I knew I was a goner."

Shin Hye feels her cheeks burn at his words.

"I want to be loved like that, I told myself. I want her to love me like that. And I want to love like that."

He searches her face and finds unshed tears pooling in her eyes. Stop crying. You're making me feel like the bad guy again. He recoils at the memory of his own words.

He caresses her cheeks. "I don’t want you to be a noona. I am glad that I am older than you. I like being called Oppa. I like dealing with your childishness once in a while. And,” he looks at her moist eyes, “You're at your most beautiful when you cry."

Her lips quiver. Then as her tears fall, she gives him the thing he has been waiting for all night.

She smiles.