Learning You

This is one mushy crap. But aren't we all a pile of mashed potatoes when we are in love? Track inspiration - Deeper Conversations by Yuna

 

Learning You

I see you flash your disarming smile -- that smile that never fails to quicken the pulse of millions of fangirls in all of Korea, and quite possibly, every girl in the world who ever laid eyes on you—and I fight the urge to succumb to your spell…yet again.

You probably think I’m enjoying being coy, don’t you? You might think I am just playing hard-to-get just to pique your curiosity and to amp my appeal, for lack of a better word, to you. Do you think I love not giving in to your charm, oppa? Do you really feel I’m oblivious to all that heart-melting charm every sane girl in her right mind would kill anything for?

Well, I don’t. Every time you smile at me, I melt. My knees turn into mush and butterflies just flutter wildly in my stomach. Every time you call my name, it feels like you are uttering a prayer for me. I have never liked hearing my name on someone else’s lips that much before. Your pretty face never leaves my mind these days, or to put it more frankly, these past few months. You are all I can think of. You have monopolized all my senses, oppa. I can even taste your kisses – those on-screen kisses that felt so real – in my dreams. And yes, even my nightmares involve you now. The sight of you kissing, marrying, wooing, or, heaven forbid, making babies with, another girl never fails to leave me whimpering in my sleep at night.

When you said, “I think, ani, I feel, I’m falling for you more and more each day…” for the first time, did you honestly think I went to sleep peacefully on that winter night in December? Did you really think it was so easy for me to form the words “Let’s take things slow” when your eyes were trying so successfully to make my heart changed its mind? Did you not realize how I was holding my breath the whole time we were facing each other that moment, afraid that if I let out even a single gasp of air, my heart would come tumbling out of my mouth and betray me? Did you not hear the silent protests of the irrational part of me, asking my sensibilities to back off for once and just let us both take off at the point where the drama, and the characters we portrayed, left us?

It was so easy to just give in to both our feelings that night, oppa. It was so easy yet it was also very dangerous.

Because you see, I have always been ready to fall for you, no questions about that. The only thing I knew I was not prepared to do was to deal with the heartbreak. A heartbreak that I knew would always come sooner than expected to such a story as ours.

To tell you to wait for our feelings to sort themselves out naturally was the dumbest thing I ever told any guy I like and the craziest risk I ever pulled in my entire life. No one comes close to it. Ever.

It was dumb because no girl in her right mind could just turn down a chance to date Jang Geun Suk and expect a second chance, right? It is like deliberately losing a winning lottery ticket on your way to claim your prize then expecting that the same stroke of luck would be given to you the next time you buy another ticket. It was a crazy risk because I did not know what the future holds. Feelings change and people do, more so. Would you always feel those things for me? Would I always be the object of your affection? I didn’t know. I was tempting fate and I was mad to do that, I know. But it has to be done.

Because I wanted our feelings to be real. I wanted to make sure that if and when I would hand over my heart for you to keep or break, I would be doing so for all the right reasons, real reasons. And not just because of some emotional debris churned from a 16-episode trendy drama belonging to our portfolios.

I want you to discover me little by little. I want you to see me past the boyish bob I sported in the drama. That’s one of the reasons I started wearing wigs, by the way. I’d like to erase the face of Mi Nam from your mind and focus on the real Shin Hye. I would love to hear you appreciate how my longer hair frames my small, chubby face and maybe notice that longer tresses do make my face a bit thinner. I would like you to see me in girly outfits and dainty dresses, wearing strappy sandals and shoes, for a change. I would love to show you the girl in me, flaws and all, and still appreciate me just the same.

In turn, I would like to learn more about you. I would love to dig deeper on that pretty, flower boy image of yours. I have already learned a lot about you these past few months, thanks to your transparent and easy-going nature. I love your honesty, your openness, your humor, your friendly disposition and your infectious charisma. I have already fallen for that, hook, line and sinker. But I also want to discover the darker side of you and see if my heart can also accept that with the rest of the things I love about you.

I want to know if you snore in your sleep so I can educate myself about the side effects and cure of snoring and share it with you. Tell me your favourite food so I can learn how to cook it. Give me a list of your favourite things to do so I can get familiar with at least one or two. I want to know what drives you mad or what makes you laugh so hard it brings tears to your eyes. I would love to learn every little thing you do not share with your fans and I want to earn your trust so I can be a keeper of your secrets. I would like to be there when you feel low and make you laugh when you feel like crying.

I want to learn you, oppa. I want us to learn each other like how your fingers learn the keys of a piano or the chords on a guitar in order to create a beautiful melody. And we can only do that if we give each other time.

So forgive me if I am being difficult by playing hard to get. I hope you can still wait a little more. Thank you for giving me the space I wanted when I asked for it. It sounded trite and childish to ask not to see or contact me so I could purge Mi Nam out of me but you understood and you kept your distance. For that, you gave me more reason to like you for who you are.

For turning down your invitation for dinner once again, mianhe. I just don’t trust myself that I won’t turn into a mush the minute I smell you next to me, let alone have your eyes gaze at me for longer than a minute. My resolve is weakening you see, especially now that you have proven your intentions to me quite clearly and subtly (if I may just add), considering that you do it so casually in public nowadays.

Oppa, you don’t always have to mention my name in interviews, especially in front of your fans. I know that your Eels will always love you no matter what you do but still, take it easy in constantly associating my name with yours, lest you want to have me as bait they would love to devour in a flash, literally.

And yes, I believe you now, your omma likes me. Kamsahamnida. I have already made a million mental notes to remember to thank her in person one of these days. I like her, too. But maybe she will appreciate it more if you start owning up to your feelings instead of dragging her name into this mess and quoting her every chance you get.

Come on, be a man. Say it’s not just your mom who likes me, you like me, too. A lot more!

I’m kidding, of course.

I am being a little greedy and I know I am pushing my luck too far by doing this but if we really are meant to be, if this feeling, this magic, this dream, is for us to share, then come spring, I know, this thing you call madness (which I call the virtue of waiting), everything I put us through these past few months, will finally make sense.

Our story, our own real story, is finally taking shape. It has its roots firmly planted on the ground. And now, a tiny bud is blossoming from it.

The promise of spring is here, oppa.