Killing Me Softly

Author's Note: I have written this back story right after the SBS Drama Awards when everyone was wondering why JGS seemed cold towards PSH that night. I wrote this before a fan account surfaced in soompi about how our couple eventually made up for the lack of interaction on-screen with their "tightly hugged" off-screen moment. That account is of course, not present here. It's a whole different perspective. I just figured it would be fun sharing with you this version because it took me really a long while to write and it was really hard, especially getting into PSH's frame of mind that night, or deciphering JGS's reasons...boy, it took me five days to write this. So I hope you guys like it. Till next post!

KILLING ME SOFTLY

Shin Hye stares at the lamp lights reflected on the van’s windows as the vehicle speeds pass through the dark chilly night. Or early morning, she corrects herself. Happy New Year, Shin Hye. Who would have thought that you would spend the early hours of the new year fighting back tears? She glances at her manager sitting beside her, glued on the phone talking with someone, and she heaves a deep sigh. Think of happy thoughts, think of happy thoughts, she chants to herself silently. The tears can wait. Just hold on a little more. We are almost home. For now, in front of her manager, she must do what she does best – act like everything is bright and wonderful. Like her pretty, little red dress.

She tries to think of Hong Ki and Yong Hwa, the two guys who made her night a lot more bearable to her than they could ever imagine, and her heart warms up at the thought of them. She was especially looking forward to see Hong Ki again because she never had the chance to see him since the ski boarding trip they had a month ago. His band had been on tour and she had been busy herself. They never had a chance to catch up for a whole month except when he gave her a brief call last Christmas. She never realized just how much she missed his company until now. Always playful but unusually sensitive to her needs, Hong Ki knows how to make her happy when she badly needs to be. And it was really her good luck to have Hong Ki around tonight. His jokes and antics made easier for her to smile and laugh when deep inside her, she just wanted to disappear on the face of the earth.

For the first time since she debuted in the entertainment industry, while she stood beside Yong Hwa and Hong Ki and her co-awardees that moment, she felt a sense of regret that she ever chose to be in the limelight. When you get your heart bruised on national TV, what do you do? She remembers asking herself that moment. She looked around for answers but all she saw were the happy, made-up faces of her colleagues elegantly dressed and dolled-up, smiles plastered on their lips. Why do you look so wonderful and happy when I absolutely feel like a tramp? Her mind screamed while she waited for her turn to deliver her speech.

Thinking about the pain she felt that moment suddenly clouds her eyes with unshed tears again. She forces herself to smile, blinking back the tears that have been threatening to fall all night. I should have cried earlier when it was my turn to speak and just pretend that the award moved me so much, muses Shin Hye. But she would never give him the privilege to see her cry when he was the very reason for it. Not even if she had a perfect cover-up for crying. No way. That, she would keep for her pride.

“You’re home, Shin Hye,” her manager says, cutting her reverie.

She flashes an automatic smile. “Thank you, Manager. It’s been a great night. Happy New Year. I’m sorry I can’t join you at the party anymore. I’m really dead beat,” she bows. Her agency is having a party right now to usher in the new year and to celebrate another fruitful year for their company. But she can no longer attend another party. She can no longer fake another smile. Besides, she has really not been feeling well since yesterday. Three awards show in a row had taken their toll on her. Top that off with a broken heart and she feels as good as dead.

Her manager looks at her with a worried smile. “You deserve to rest. You’ve been working real hard, Shin Hye. I’m sorry that they fail to give you what you really deserve,” Manager Jun says meaningfully.

“Sshh. Don’t say that, please,” she cuts him off. She picks up the trophy on her lap and say, “I’m happy I got this. And to share this with Hong Ki and Yong Hwa, that was the added bonus. We will do better next year. I know we will. Ahrasso?”

He nods in agreement. “Fighting!” Trust her to be okay with everything, the manager muses as he waves goodbye to her, even when that arrogant cad practically ignored her all evening. That was so unlike the Jang Keun Suk everyone knew. He really behaved very strangely towards Shin Hye tonight. Are they already having a lovers’ quarrel? He wonders. But are they even lovers in the first place? He asks himself on a second thought. Shin Hye has never said a thing about her and Keun Suk yet but lately they have really been unusually close and intimate together. Manager Jun has been meaning to confront her already about it but he decided against the idea ultimately. Their relationship has always been about trust. Knowing Shin Hye, he prefers that the girl opens up to him first before he jumps into any conclusion.

But the way she had been blatantly hurt tonight, which she successfully hid from everyone else, is a clear indication that something serious is really up between those two. I just hope that guy will be more responsible for her feelings, he muses.

~0o0~

Finally, the tears run freely down her cheeks as Shin Hye sits in front of her dresser, the trophy still in her hands. She looks at her reflection, eyes blurred, nose starting to turn red, face distorting in pain – and cries more, soft sobs escaping her quivering lips. What did I do Oppa? What did I do to receive that cold treatment? She asks at the crying image before her as fresh tears flow one after the other. This is the first time she had been hurt like this and she hurts so badly. Now she knows how it feels to be rejected by someone very important to her. It hurts like hell.

She knew something was off in him the minute he met them at the rehearsals hours before the drama awards. They were asked to perform as A.N.JELL once more for the show and everybody had been excited to reunite again as the fictional band they were in the drama. Keun Suk was already there when she arrived. As one of the MCs for the show, she knew he was there early to practice his spiels. Yong Hwa and Hong Ki were not yet around when she came in so she was expecting to spend some moments with him alone even for awhile. I’ve missed you, she had wanted to call out to him when she saw him at the other end of the stage, holding his guitar.

“Oppa!” She had called out to him. He turned his head towards her direction and nodded in recognition. Only a nod, without a smile, she noted instantly. He never made a move to walk towards her. He just kept on tinkering with his guitar.

She found his reaction odd. But figured he was just probably feeling jittery about the awards. She had tried to reason out with herself. She knew how he takes his job seriously. But we are just having rehearsals! And hosting is just as natural as breathing for him.

“Hey, why the sudden serious mood?” she had asked him, walking towards him. He was covered from head to toe – a thick bonnet, a jacket, and thermal pants. “Are you sick?” Standing closer to him, she noticed how his nose was a little red and his eyes, somehow glazed.

“I’ve been on medication since last night,” he said, looking at her briefly then back to his guitar again. “Colds.”

Her heart ached at the sight of him. She herself was not feeling so well. Her whole body ached in exhaustion and pain from the frenzy of hosting the SBS Gayo Daejun, presenting with Yong Hwa at the SBS Entertainment Awards and now, the Drama Awards. But she knew she could not skip the awards show tonight. Even if she would crawl to the stage writhing in pain, she would, just to perform with the A.N.JELL and be with them once again. They were that important to her. And he was that hard to miss.

“I need to do some clothes-fitting,” he told her, his face still expressionless. His eyes were avoiding her, she could tell. “I will be back when those two guys get here, ok?”

She watched him walked to the direction of the dressing rooms and sighed. What was that? She looked around helplessly, waiting for someone to decipher his mood for her knowing she won’t find any.

Then the kind eyes of Manager Lee caught hers from across the room. She felt embarrassed all of a sudden. She bowed to acknowledge him. Manager Lee touched his hands to his neck and forehead then pointed to Keun Suk’s direction, motioning to her that he was not feeling well.

She nodded. But still, could he not spare me just one smile? Her heart asked achingly.

~0o0~

The last time they saw each other had been when he brought her to meet his mother the day before Christmas. It was days after she got back from her Nepal trip. More than a week after he told her so casually at the little sushi restaurant how he wanted to get to know her more and a mere eight days after they agreed to date each other, with the twinkling lights of Seoul as their witness, at the Bukak Skyway.

The meeting was a lunch date at Keun Suk’s house. “Omma is cooking and she said she wants to have your picture taken with her as a Christmas gift,” he told her as he brought her to their house that day. She had been especially nervous to meet her, no matter how Keun Suk swore that his mom is cool and easy to get along with.

“I’m nervous because I want her to like me,” she reasoned out, explaining her anxiety.

“She already likes you, that is why we’re even having this lunch in the first place,” he said, rolling his eyes in mock exasperation. But she knew he would never understand. She is still your mother, she thought. Of course, she would get all jittery!

Shin Hye would later find out that Keun Suk was telling the truth when he told her that his Omma really liked her. His mother greeted her warmly the minute Shin Hye stepped in their threshold. One look at his mom and Shin Hye knew where he got his playful eyes and happy personality. His mom was charming and gracious, telling funny stories about Keun Suk the whole time while she served them her specialties, “foods that would let you know who the real star in this house really is” she had told her proudly.

“Which means my Omma, of course,” Keun Suk interjected, clearly knowing how to humor his mom.

Whatever awkward feeling she felt at the start, it soon slowly faded away as she listened to his mom speak. Shin Hye felt that his mom genuinely like her, even just as an actress, to say the least. They talked about the dramas she has been in, what it has been like for her and her parents to have her started out so young in the industry and asked questions on how Shin Hye has been balancing her studies and her work at the same time. In return, his mother shared how it has been for her to raise a son who happens to be an actor, how she is mighty proud of his dedication to finish his studies even when he is busy with projects and films and how she looks forward to days when he is not busy at all with any project or drama because that would mean having him around at home for a longer period.

The fortune-telling incident was never discussed, to Shin Hye’s relief and she was made to promise that she would visit her again, even without Keun Suk, if she has the time. She was touched and felt honoured to be treated like that, and she felt closer to him even more.

“Does she know, Oppa?” she had asked as he drove her home, referring to their dating.

He shook his head. “She does have this crazy notion that I like you, though.” They had earlier agreed that it would be best to wait awhile more before telling everyone they are close with the truth about them. That way, they could enjoy the new relationship a little more without pressure from other people.

The day before Christmas was a very memorable day for her, a happy day. Little did she know that after joy, sorrow would come rushing in like a tornado with a speeding ticket.

~0o0~

Shin Hye tears up again as she remembers how she ached for Keun Suk to hug her too when he embraced Yong Hwa after he handed out the trophy to him. But he did not. Not even a glance or a smile. No, apparently she did not deserve any of that from him. The only time she got a chance to see him up close with a smile was when he interviewed her at the A.N.JELL’s table. But she knew he was just doing his job. Not being Keun Suk.

If Yong Hwa and Hong Ki ever noticed Keun Suk’s distance to her, they never discussed it with her. But she did appreciate how Yong Hwa always paid attention to her whenever she seemed too silent. He asked her mundane questions just to get her mind off from whatever he thought was making her think too much that night. Hong Ki kept giving her dorky glances to make her laugh. “Not feeling well after appearing in only 3 shows?” Hong Ki teased her when she complained about being tired. “I’ve just been in a concert tour here and overseas. And I thought we are of the same age, ahjumma!”

She was thankful for them for being right there when she needed them the most. When the only person I had counted on the most to be with me was not.

~0o0~

Keun Suk’s car has been parked in front of her house for the last half hour and he still has not mustered the courage to dial her number. He went straight home after the awards night and using his own car, he drove to Shin Hye’s planning to wait for her here. And he had arrived just right on time. He was just turning at her block when he saw her being dropped off by her own van.

Is she still up at this hour? He asks himself, glancing at his watch. It’s 2:00 in the morning and he is already dead beat but he knows he has to face her before going to bed. I was such an inconsiderate jerk tonight, he acknowledges with remorse. He knows he has a lot of explaining to do and if he doesn’t do it now it might be too late doing it another time. If I were her, I would not even see me anymore. He cringes at the thought of her clueless eyes when he deliberately did not speak to her at the rehearsals, the look of disappointment on her face when he avoided any contact with her when they were performing, and the sadness, frustration and hurt he saw in her eyes when he just walked past her while giving the trophies to her co-awardees. That was the height of my stupidity and rudeness! But she kept it all in, did she? She still appeared gracious, even glancing at him when she thanked the A.N.JELL in her speech. After ignoring her without any reason, she still smiled and cheered me on when I received my awards.

He must be sent to the guillotine! But before that, he ought to give her an explanation and ask for her forgiveness. He owes her that.

~0o0~

Her eyes tired from crying, Shin Hye feels like someone just poured cold water on her face when she sees the number calling on her phone. Without even thinking, she picks up the call instantly.

“I’m parked in front of your house, right now,” says the familiar voice even before she can say hello. “Can you please give me the chance to explain?”

With her eyes like these? She panics, looking at herself in the mirror. “Please, Shin Hye. I can’t go home without speaking to you,” Keun Suk says again on the other line.

“In a moment, Oppa,” comes her reply. She wants to play coy but her heart badly needs to hear his explanation.

The cold early morning air greets her furiously as she steps out of the house. At least the chilly air can justify the redness in my cheeks, she thought. He is standing in the cold, holding the car door open and waiting for her. She immediately steps in the car, her heart racing at the sight and closeness of him.

Inside the car, he looks at her longingly. “You looked pretty in that red dress,” he begins. His eyes search her face.

She turns her face to him squarely. “I’m still wearing it, Oppa,” she tells him with a shy smile, opening the thermal jacket she wears momentarily, showing her the dress.

“And I’m so happy you received that award,” he continues, bowing his head this time.

“Then, why?” she asks him, almost in whisper. She can feel her voice shake at the question and tears threaten to fall once again. But this time she doesn’t want to hold them back.

He reaches out to wipe her tears. “Because I was jealous,” he admits.

Her confused eyes stare back at him. Jealous? How? When?

He sighs in embarrassment. “You have to know that this is my first time dating a girl from the business. And when I’m with someone, I can really be a little possessive,” he admits, his lips turning into a little scowl. “Lately, you’ve really been out there, appearing in shows without me.”

She nods in anticipation, waiting for him to finish. A little smile slowly creeps out from her lips as she guesses what he means by being jealous.

“I’m not used seeing my girl with other guys, especially not several times in a row, on national TV, appearing gorgeous and all. And you looked so good with them I wanted to pluck you out from the TV!” he says animatedly. It is not good to his pride to admit this to her but he knows he hurt her tonight. Telling the truth is the only way.

Awww, she feels her stomach does a backflip at his admission. “You ignored me the whole night just because you were jealous? But I was just doing a job. I never even got cozy with them. Well, except with Yong Hwa. But you know Yong Hwa. And Hee Chul-oppa, you know him, too!”

He laughs at her remark. “Did I tell you my reason is rational? I didn’t, right? When you get jealous, you get jealous for all the wrong reasons! Ok, my reasons are lame. But I was jealous! I wanted to let you know I felt that way without losing my pride but I did not know how. So I ended up acting so childish and immature.”

She nods her head in agreement, “And rude.”

He grabs her chin and turns her face towards him. “I am sorry. This is a part of me I have to show you even if it doesn’t look good. This will not be the last time I will get jealous, Shin Hye. And it won’t be the last time I will lose my cool over something trivial. But I will always be sorry for making you sad tonight.” He looks at her tear-stricken face. “And for making you cry.”

She asks him incredulously. “How can you be jealous?”

He envelops her in a hug for an answer. “I wanted to do this earlier,” he whispers in her ear. Then he plants a soft kiss on her lips. “This, too.”

“But you know what really made me want to smash the TV for?” he asks, suddenly remembering something.

“What?” Shin Hye asks, wiping away the tears from her eyes, smiling now.

“The way you look in that wedding dress. How can you be in that dress?” he scowls at her, teasing her. “I can sing that song better than the singer!”

Ahh, she thought with a smile. So that’s why you sung the song earlier, huh? I should have known better.

“Then sing it to me then so I can finally forgive you for all your sins tonight,” she tells him sternly.

So Keun Suk starts to sing. Nalang gyulhonhae joolae….