Sunday, January 10, 2010

If I Keep My Heart Out of Sight (Part II)



Keun Suk's Story




Everybody says I am a flirt and admittedly, I am. No big deal. Who doesn’t love to flirt? I love to tease and please, that’s what I call it. I love being with people and being friendly to everyone, not just with girls. In the industry I am in, it pays to have good PR and establish rapport with everyone. And it has always been my personality to get involve, to be in the center of things, to entertain. And just like everything else I do, I know, for some, that side of me leaves a bad taste in the mouth. But frankly speaking, I don’t really care.


I like girls, women. I have been reared and raised by two exceptional women. A lot of my close friends are girls. Some of my most respected sunbaes are women. I look up to them, I respect them, I trust them and I love them. And I can’t help it if I know my way towards their hearts, right? What can I say? My grandmother and mom raised me well. Some mistake my closeness with women as the marks of a player. But they are reading me wrong. I do not get too close as to mislead them into something I am not prepared of. Yes, I tease, I flirt, I please, but not to the extent that I will lead them to believe and expect something I cannot give. I do not play that way.


Contrary to popular belief, Jang Keun Suk, the real one, is not one who minces words when it comes to girls/women he likes. I treat my women seriously. I may be a tease, a flirt, if you please. But I am no Casanova. I believe in relationships that last. I have faith in love. And yes, when it comes to the right girl, I do know how to hold my reins and tame my restlessness.


It’s just that, the right girl is hard to come by. Especially in the world I live in. And when she actually does, I am not always that smart to pick her out from the crowd.


~0o0~

I believe in love at first sight. I think I say that often in interviews. I believe it because I already experienced it. Although of course, it is not really love you feel right away. It’s more like an attraction, a longing to be with that someone, to belong to her, to have her. I have pursued girls on that basis alone. And the relationships I had with them had been satisfactory, even if they eventually ended after a while.


So if you go by that criterion alone – love at first sight – to assess my relationship with Park Shin Hye, then no, she is not the one for me. Because when I met her for the first time, sparks did not fly. Not at all.


I could not even remember exactly when I met her for the first time, only vaguely. Must have been when were in our teens, right after she made her debut. She made a cameo in a show I was in. But we never had much interaction together. We only had a few scenes, never even shared a dialogue, if I remember it right. The meeting was too brief she barely registered in my mind. She was just another actress I had to work with. Just another pretty face in a sea of pretty faces.


It was only years later, when we worked on a series of CFS together, that I started to notice her. But then, when I get to kiss her intimately in the CF, I would surely take note of her, right? By then I have noticed that the pretty face had turned into a more beautiful one. Something that made her stood out from the crowd.


Maybe it was the kiss that forced us to get close. I don’t really know. But we really became friends after that. She was still a shy girl, a trace of the younger version I met once years back. But she soon outgrew that as we get to work together more. She was sweet to everyone in the set and she took her job seriously. She always reported to the set ready and game. If she was tired, she never let it show. It was fun working with her. We laughed a lot and the director and crew took note of our chemistry on-screen. They said we looked good together. And after looking at the finished shots and the buzz the CF kiss generated from the fans, I thought they were right. We really have great chemistry and the camera loves us.


It was no wonder then that when Shin Hye’s name came up on the list of my potential leading ladies for a teen drama I would be working on, I was thrilled with the prospect.



It would be my first leading role in a drama with a script I really wanted to do. That was why I was really concerned on who would I get to be paired up with. I knew it should be with someone I could work with really well. Plus, an ounce of chemistry must at least be there. When I heard her name came up, I knew she must be it. And I was right.


~0o0~


The drama showed me a lot of Shin Hye I have never seen before. She is a good person and by that I mean, really good. Not a mean bone in her body. I saw how she dealt with everyone on the set and I liked it. She is gentle and sweet, always with a ready smile and a laugh. She talks a lot, too if she gets comfortable with you. She loves to take pictures, of herself and everyone. Young as she is, she is very thoughtful and caring, always doing something for us like peeling chestnuts, serving tea, doing Yong Hwa’s make up. She loves to serve others, that was one thing I learned about her. She is like an omma, always brimming with love and care.

She is comfortable with everyone, even with us guys. And for me, that was great because the drama needed her to work with 3 guys, role-playing as a guy and the last thing we needed was a lead actress who would act too girly and too shy around men. But Shin Hye was a revelation and she delivered what the role expected of her and more.


Filming almost everyday for three months surely could bring people closer to each other. And that happened to us – Shin Hye, Hong Ki, Yong Hwa and I. We really became friends and formed a special bond together. We even came up with special names for each other. We became that close. Being the only girl, we do not treat Shin Hye as a girl but just as one of us guys. Although she really is feminine in her ways, she never plays the damsel-in-distress act around us. She’s got spunk, this girl. For a girl, she enjoys sports too much that she could forego a meal or sleep just to watch a game on TV. Or brave the biting cold just to enjoy a snowboarding trip with friends. Her energy never fails to shock me. Next to her, she makes me feel so old and wimpy.


Shin Hye and I became more comfortable with each other as the drama progressed. We bicker a lot which I think what really made us closer. I love to tease but she enjoys it more, always armed with a ready barb whenever we get into it. The bickering certainly helped us a lot to get into our characters but what it really did for us off-cam was to elevate our friendship into a more comfortable, intimate level. A direction I never intended to materialize in front of me. But it did. I never saw it coming.


Oh, everyone who ever saw the BTS and NG shots know what I am talking about. The cameras do not lie. We were really getting too close for comfort in front of everyone. And to the public, it is easy to dismiss that as just fan-service, a ploy to market the drama, to generate more attention to our team-up. That kind of cover up is always available so I was not really worried at the start whenever the camera caught us fooling around on set. It was no big deal. Surely, no scandal could come out of that. We always loved to joke on set. It kept the pressure at bay and made us awake even at 2 o’clock in the morning. But whenever I watched the BTS videos uploaded online, I could not deny how close we have really become.


Of all the BTS scenes released by the production, one that caught my omma’s attention was the bed scene BTS. “It looked like there is something going on between you two, Keun Suk,” she told me after she watched a clip of it online. I just laughed at her comment of course. Omma loves to tease me, that’s why. But she pointed out to me that if I were just flirting with Shin Hye on that BTS, then it doesn’t look good on her part. “You were too intimate, if you ask me. You would think you are her bf by the way you hold her and all. But I guess that was just scripted, right?” Omma asked and I just nodded in agreement just to stop her questioning.


But her observation made me think. Of course, that was not part of any script. We were really just fooling around, joking, as could be seen in the video. When I watched it over again, however, I saw Omma’s point. I was really flirting with her shamelessly, caught on-cam. And it did look like we had something going on between us if you see it from a third party’s perspective. No wonder the fans were getting all worked up. I was practically giving them gossip fodder!


Did I like her then? I mean, romantically? I am not really sure. See, that is why I prefer the love-at-first-sight kind of attraction because I would know right away if I like to date the girl or not. But when you start liking someone you were not attracted to from the start, it gets confusing, right? I mean, where do you draw the line? How do you know you’re seeing her in a different light already?


I have been friends with a lot of girls from the industry. And of course, at one point, I also flirt with them. It’s just harmless flirting, anyway. These are not caught on-cam so I wouldn’t know if they really have the same effect to other people like the ones with Shin Hye. Like I said, I know how to make clear my intentions from the very start so all those flirting with those other girls are just that—flirting. I never ask them out alone because that would be misleading. If we do go out, it would always be with other friends, always with a group. I am very particular with that because I do not want unwanted scandals and I want to protect the girl’s reputation, at the least. It is not nice to be caught in a scandal when it does not have any ounce of truth in it. Especially in the entertainment business, when you’re a girl.


I do not want to be caught lying. So when the public sees me eating out at some restaurant with a girl, and I say that she is just a friend, then that is probably the truth. I wouldn’t dare deny any special relationship if it does exist. It would be unfair to the person I am with if I just lie about her, right? That would be unscrupulous of me. But of course, the public doesn’t know that. It is something that is not worth writing in gossip columns, that’s why. It’s not sensational enough. A Casanova Keun Suk would sell more.


Oh well.


~0o0~


So I asked her out. Treated Shin Hye out to dinner, to be exact.


For the fans of the drama, this news would be a delight, I suppose. I could hear their distant squeals even now. Although I mentioned it in passing in one interview, I think it never quite registered to the fans (surprisingly) that we really did go out with a hidden agenda on my part – to see her in a different light.


That was actually an idea from a very unlikely person – my mom.


Omma likes her a lot. And that is something that sets her apart, I think, at least from my perspective. I value my mother’s opinion a lot that to see her liking someone for me is a welcome perspective anytime. Although Omma liked every girl I have ever dated or brought home in the past, this is the first time that she ever expressed her fondness for a girl she doesn’t even know that I like or not.

The idea cropped up after Omma told me she went to a fortune teller to see if my fate matches with Shin Hye’s. “And it does!” she happily squealed. I was amused and incredulously surprised. “What made you do it, Omma? Are you trying to make me a scandal?” I joked. My mom could really do quirky stuff sometimes, especially when it involves her only son. But to consult a fortune teller? With my leading lady in the drama? That was putting fandom to new heights, right?


“I’m just very fond of the girl,” my mom admitted. “She looks good with you. And from what you told me about her, she seems mature beyond her age. I can’t help to see if fate would agree with me,” she said, almost gushing. “And it does!”


“Don’t you like her?” she asked. 

“Of course I do,” I answered, but only to myself. But my answer then was not actually responsive to what Omma really meant. I already liked Shin Hye, as a person, as a fellow actor, as a friend. I have been satisfied with what I had been seeing in her as we worked and saw each other on set. But to actually date her? That was something I was not yet prepared to do. There were just so many factors to consider. 



The first on the list would be “Is she ready for me?”

As if reading my thoughts, Omma suggested that I should ask her out some time. “I’m not asking you to marry her, Keun Suk, so wipe that surprised look off your face,” she said, sipping her tea, before continuing. “Just give yourself a chance to see her in a different setting, away from the cameras, from work, from everyone you work with everyday. In that way, you see her as who she really is, the person, not the actress. Then, if you like what you see, bring her to me. I want to meet her personally.”


I laughed at her suggestion. “Ya, Omma! It looks like you already have my life all planned out, don’t you? I don’t even know if she’s old enough to date!”


Omma clucked her tongue against her teeth. “Nonsense. She is already an adult. When I was her age, I was already planning my wedding to your dad!”


“And you like her, admit it. Didn’t you ask her that in that BTS bed room scene video that is all over the internet right now? If you can’t remember, go watch it again,” she said, her eyes glinting with mirth. “What you should really worry about is if she likes you enough to agree to date you,” she warned.


Now, that’s a possibility I never thought of, I told myself, staring at my mother’s teasing face incredulously.


~0o0~


So what made me ask her out eventually? I got curious.


Admittedly, if you spend sometime with a girl for almost 3 months, you are bound to get close at some point, right? And when you get close, only two things are bound to happen --- it’s either you earn another friend or you get yourself a girlfriend. And if you get close with someone like Shin Hye, you should be warned that it’s not easy not to like her. She is a beautiful person. In and out. She can easily work her way out of anyone’s heart. That is how her charm works. 



But somehow, that kind of charm is also the reason why I keep on getting cold feet around her, to be honest. Heck, if she could get her way into my mom’s heart, without even meeting her, she must be deadly, right? I mean, from a guy’s point of view that is scary. If your mom finds someone she really likes (whom you also like in a way) somehow you feel the pressure is on somewhere. It is like you kind of expect to hear wedding bells ringing every time you bring her home or something, that kind of pressure. And at 23, I just want to date a girl just because I like her, not because I know it is the right thing to do and that it will make my mom squeal in happiness. Or that I think she is the right girl to marry, or so as a fortune teller allegedly vouched for.


But, just like I said, I got curious so I asked her out. This was when the drama was still airing, just before we went to shoot in Japan. I did not want to scare her or give the wrong impressions so I really made sure I would ask her casually. I had it all planned out – how to ask her, when and where we would go, the works. The hardest part was really the asking-her-out part.


I was planning to casually invite her out to a quaint restaurant a friend of mine owns just a few blocks away from our neighbourhood. Since we live in the same neighbourhood I thought the place would be both convenient for us. Plus, regular patrons out there are only just people from the area too, who would not give a care if they see us eating together. I decided to ask her out one weekend when we got a day off from shooting. My pretext was to ask her spontaneously, like it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing.


“Shin Hye, are you home?” I called her. “Are you busy today?”


“Just resting at home, Oppa,” she answered.


“Want to join me for a quick bite? I’m suddenly craving for saeng galbi but I don’t want to eat alone. Please say you want to join me,” I half-pleaded, trying to sound casual.


“Your treat?” she asked, joking.


“Of course. And I know a place just a few minutes away that serves the juiciest marinated beef strips in Seoul,” I told her.


She chuckled on the other line. “Well, that sounds tempting to me, Oppa. What are we waiting for?”


I sighed, relieved that she accepted my invitation without any awkwardness. Hanging up, it suddenly felt good that it was her I was asking out to dinner with and not any girl who would be required to play coy before going out with me. Those putting your best foot forward and coyness games are really too pretentious for my taste, if you ask me. It was such a breath of fresh air to be free of those so-called dating norms for a change.  Asking a friend out for a date suddenly sounded a lot more fun.


~0o0~


At the dinner, I had just one goal – to confirm if I really was starting to like her, romantically. I already knew I liked her but just like what Omma said, I thought I needed to confirm it to myself that I was starting to see her as girl, and not just a friend. Looking back, I think what I really wanted was to see if she could give me the love-at-first-sight vibes I usually look for in a potential girlfriend. I wanted to see her in a new light and I wanted to feel if she could give me that feeling. It was a ridiculous thought and a real tall order but she was not aware anyway so what she did not know would not hurt her, right?


Shin Hye was her usual bubbly self when I picked her up. For someone who was not aware that she was being asked out for a real date, she looked pretty that afternoon. She did not even dress up for a date, but even in a simple white shirt, black jacket and black pants, she shined.


On the way to the restaurant, I started to ask her some personal questions that would help me get to know her better. “Hey, have you heard the latest gossip online about us?” I started, stealing a glance at her to watch her reaction.


“That we are dating?” she asked, smirking. “Oppa, that was so last week!”


I laughed. “Is that so? I must be lagging behind then. What’s the latest news this week? ”


“Yong Hwa has a secret love for me,” she said, straight-faced. “But no thanks to you, he cannot profess his love yet. But just wait until I finally come out of my senses and realize just how much a playboy you really are. Then Bolmae-jung and I would finally have our happy ending.”


“Me, a playboy? Says who?” I continued laughing, more at the way she matter-of-factly recited some of the fans’ fantasies like they were facts rather than the hilarity of the fantasies itself. 


“Says Team Yong Hwa of course. But what they do not know is that I really am so hopelessly in love with Hong Ki. Yet, they do not even have Team Hong Ki in the forums!” she exclaimed, then giggled. “Hong Ki was right. We will not have any scandal even if we try hard to have one.”


I asked her curiously, as we were waiting for our orders to be served, “Tell me, do you really think I am a playboy?”


She stared at me, eyes wide. “I don’t know, Oppa. You tell me.” She crinkled her nose.


“No, you tell me. How do you see me? Do I really look the part of a heartbreaker?”


She pouted, pretending to think seriously. “Aniyo. You are just a huge flirt but I think you’re not a playboy.”


I felt genuinely relieved. “What made you think that?”


She turned to me, her face serious. “Because you think too much,” she said, touching my temple. “And you feel too much,” she added, pointing at her own chest. “Players do not think and feel at the same time.”


I felt warmth for her I have never felt before that moment. Hearing those words from her made me feel so understood. It was like having an angel by my side, cheesy as it may sound. She just described me in a way I could never describe myself without sounding like I am just saving my face. I wish my critics could hear her that moment. I wish she was speaking to a reporter rather than me so everyone could read how Shin Hye described me as I really am.


“Just when did you come to know me so well?” I asked her tenderly. I saw her flustered for a second before she covered it up by sticking her tongue at me.


“You are such an open book, Oppa. So easy to read,” she said dismissively.


I learned a lot about her that night. She told me a lot of things. She talked about her family, how she enjoyed being the youngest and being the apple of her dad’s eyes. She told me about her brother and how she learned the art of bickering with a guy from him. “Maybe that’s why I tend to get close with guys I bicker around with constantly,” she quipped, obviously referring to how we got close through bickering.

“Aha. So that is how you lure guys to your web, huh?” I teased her.


She blushed. “Of course not! I don’t bicker with guys I like, Oppa!”


It was my turn to get flustered. “Ouch. You don’t like me, then?” I asked, genuinely hurt.


She smiled, the dimple on her chin making its appearance. “Of course I like you. I. like. you.” She punctuated the word “like” with a fake hiccup, alluding to a scene in the drama.


I could not help but laughed. “Clever girl, you are. Always knowing how to get out of a sticky situation, huh?”


If she really meant it, I did not really know. All I knew then was I already got what I went there to find.


It was official. I really was starting to like her. But dating her seemed a scary, distant possibility. It still is.


It is scary not because of her but because of me. I do not trust myself enough around her. She is too gentle, too good, too young. Although I know that she is tougher than she looks like, I am still unsure if I can really be trusted to be responsible for her. What if I hurt her? If she gets hurt, what will happen to us? We are still both so young. Maybe now is not yet the right time for me to act on my feelings.


If I can keep my heart out of sight for a little longer, I will be fine. She will be fine.


~0o0~





9 comments:

wengwa said...

OMG! i really love this part of the story...u wrote it so nicely and felt it like it's really true, i'm really hoping for that hehe.. u wrote it the way how i imagined Jang Geun Suk feelings toward Park Shin Hye too. love this couple so much. tnx for writing such a wonderful chapter again, u really are great. keep it up! waiting for Park Shin Hye's side of story here.

Anonymous said...

OMO, your imagination is awesome. Thanks for writing and sharing your works with the public. I do hope you get more inspiration. Are you a writer by profession? I cannot wait for more.

Unknown said...

Wooooaaah Jossa...is this your imagination...or maybe you stole JGS diary and just type his diary entry here????hehehhe joking...
It feels so real when I read this chapter...Gosh you become more and more good writing this fanfic...4 thumbs up (not only thumbs in my hand but in my foot too hehehhe)

When I read this fanfic it is like JGS reading this fanfic infront of me...it's like he pour everything in his heart and writing this fanfic with his own hand...
hmmmmm...are you sure you're not a psychic, that could read other people mind??? Joking again hehehhe
Can not wait to read PSH part....

jossa said...

Thanks wengwa, anonymous and agustien!

writing it was a joy for me because i got to explore a guy's mind. and let's just say that dating someone who shares the same bday as JGS actually helped me in getting into JGS's psyche ;)i really wanted to write a realistic point of view of Keun Suk. his voice was all over my head this weekend as I wrote this. i needed to write or else i would have been talking about him even in my sleep! haha!

@anonymous, i do freelance writing. writing is one of my passions in life. but it's not my day job :)

right now, it's time to listen to Shin Hye's voice...

Anonymous said...

re-reading your fanfic now. AGAIN. haha. i really love how you analyse everything so meticulously. it's just amazing, as i'm sure everyone has told you already. how do you think of all this? haha, your imagination is just great! KEEP IT UP! =D

-your friend from soompi.

jossa said...

@my friend from soompi, hey you! :) thanks for re-reading my fanfic! oh wow, i'm touched. haha. i'm just into this couple, i guess. i told you, i hear their voices in my head. isn't that scary?! lol. thanks for reading..again.

Ummu Ainaa said...

thanks jossa..
you're really talented, you should publish a book! I enjoy reading your fanfic so much, i thought I was listening to his real story. Does this have part III? Please say it does. I will wait for the next one, whether it will come or not..

my favourite part..
when she was teasing JGS with her wits on YOung Hwa and Hongki, it sounded as if it really happens!

Almontel said...

i love reading your ff, soooooooo beautiful...i can really picture them just like how you described it...love that it's so close to the truth that we like to dream of!
what a wonderful read...i am still missing our sukkiehye!!!
i read your first sukkiehye ff and fell in love with it...
so sorry for the delay in comments...i've just now been back to re-reading FFs about our couple!
thanks so much for bringing their story alive!!!

sweet_rintje said...

gosh..I couldn't stop to read your fanfic..so gooodd story! just wonder how you get so many infos about about this couple..it seem so real..I can't believe it!! You must know them so well to write such kind of story..
My fav part is when Keun Suk asked Shin Hye about his playboy image n Shin Hye answer " You think too much n feel too much, Player doesn't think n feel at the same time.." hahaha..so get into me..

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