Friday, February 19, 2010

Nameless Days


Nameless Days

Hong Ki looks at the three soju glasses lined up in front of Shin Hye and shoots an inquiring glance at Yong Hwa. What is this?

Yong Hwa shrugs innocently, clearly at a loss, too, of what is exactly happening. Seeing Shin Hye alone in a bar with soju bottles for company is certainly not one he expected to see when he agreed to meet her here, in a little shabu-shabu bar in the middle of Seoul, at 10 o'clock in the evening.

He didn't even know Hong Ki was coming. Receiving a call from Shin Hye after such a long time of not seeing each other has been a welcome surprise. It has been months since he last saw her at Hong Ki's birthday party in March. It is now July. The months had passed by in a blur. Since his band debuted in January, life has really been a roller coaster ride for him and his band. But this summer, after finishing all the promotions for their album, and after gracing every TV and radio show in Korea, he and his band are finally slowing down with their activities. Just gearing up actually, preparing for their comeback in the fall, but at least he gets some free time to meet friends now. Friends he has never seen for a while like the girl in front of him, who has been in a trance since he arrived, and Hong Ki, who looks like he just got out of bed.

"Let me guess, she called you up, too?" Hong Ki asks him as he inspects the two bottles of soju on the table. One is empty and the other is half-full.

Yong Hwa nods. "Oppa, I need someone to talk to," he mimics Shin Hye's sad voice. "And when this girl calls me oppa, I know she needs help badly. Pronto."

Hong Ki looks at Shin Hye who keeps arranging the three glasses of soju like they are soldiers in a formation.  Then in one swift move, Shin Hye starts to down the three glasses one after the other, in one breath. He and Hong Ki exchange shocked glances, their jaws dropping on the floor.

"Whoa! Down girl, down!" Hong Ki is the first to recover from their shock. He wrestles the bottle away from SHin Hye as she attempts to pour soju in the three glasses again.

Yong Hwa picks up the two empty soju glasses in front of Shin Hye, gives one to Hong Ki and keeps one to himself. "You don't have to drink all of these. Share."

Hong Ki pats Shin Hye's back and asks gently, "What's wrong?"

Shin Hye tries to fake a smile. "I just want to see you guys again. It's been a long while, right? I missed you both," she blabs, then blinks as a tear escapes her left eye.

Yong Hwa sighs loudly. "Nice adlib. That tear falling just now was not on the script, right?"

"Ahjumma, two more sojus here please!" Hong Ki yells, opening their cubicle's door to give his order. "You dragged me out of bed, robbing me out of precious sleep time," he points his finger accusingly at Shin Hye.

"You interrupted me in the middle of writing a potential hit song," Yong Hwa chimes in.

"Let's get you drunk!" the two of them yell in unison.

~0o0~

Earlier that day…

It has been one of those TV guestings he must do to promote his upcoming drama. One of those variety programs where they have to ask interesting personal questions about his life to generate excitement for the fans and a little gossip fodder for the tabloids.

"Keun Suk-shi, when was the last time you went out on a date?" the program host asks him, reading from a list of questions culled from the fans.

Shin Hye sees him hesitates for a nano-second before he answers, "It has been a long time that I can not remember anymore. Maybe two, three years ago. With my ex-gf."

"So are you saying you are not dating anyone right now?" was the follow-up question.

He smiles charmingly at the camera. "Not dating anyone. I don't have a girlfriend right now."

Shin Hye grips tightly at the remote. But did we just spend last Sunday together? Her silly heart asks.

"What kind of girl is Keun Suk-shi's ideal?" the female host asks him amidst frantic shouts and giggles from the fans in the studio.

Keun Suk flashes his famous disarming smile and quips, "Someone like Yoon Eun Hye noona. Beautiful, sophisticated, talented."

Shin Hye feels the familiar pangs of jealousy creeping at her heart. So now it's no longer Soo Ae sunbae, huh? Those netizens are right. You really do change your 'ideal woman' every year.

Then there was the unexpected question from an enterprising fan. "Do you still keep in touch with Park Shin Hye-ssi?"

Shin Hye watches intently as Keun Suk prepares to answer the question. He smiles politely. The he answers the question calmly and dismissively. "Not anymore. She's busy with her drama. I am also busy with my own projects. I have never seen her in a while."

She did not expect him to admit the truth that they still keep in touch. She understands how management strategies work for hot staples like Keun Suk. But she never expected that he would tell a blatant lie. "Never seen her in a while?" My foot! The irrational part of her brain expected him at least to say “I never had the chance to keep in touch with her lately but we are friends so I hope to bump into her one of these days.” Was that too much to ask?

A little voice inside her keeps saying that the Keun Suk on TV just now is just the actor everybody expects to see. Of course, he would not tell the truth about his own personal life. She should know better.

But her bruised heart knows just one thing. Keun Suk hates to lie, even on TV. And he was actually telling the truth when he said he does not have a girlfriend right now.

He did say an outright lie, though. They do more than keep in touch these days. They see each other frequently whenever their schedule permits. They call and text each other between shoots and schedules. They have been going out on clandestine dates for God's sake. They have even shared a few kisses already. They do what normal couples do. Except that to him, maybe they are not a couple yet.

They have been seeing each other for 120 days. And today is the 120th. Yes, she has been counting the days like a lovesick schoolgirl. But she bets her life her Romeo doesn’t even know the exact day of their first date.

These past 120 days since they started going out, he never did refer to her as his girlfriend. He never asked him to be his girl. He never said he likes her or loves her. He never said they were going out on dates. He just asks her out whenever he wants to and she just stupidly agrees. She knows what she feels for him but she is clueless about what he really feels towards her.

She doesn't know how she stands in his life. She is a nameless, label-less girl next to Keun Suk. These past 120 days have been just like that, ordinary nameless days.

What am I to you? She cries out loud at the TV screen and the tears flow unbridled on her face.

~0o0~

"So let's hear out your sob story," Hong Ki nudges Shin Hye playfully as he pours Yong Hwa another glass of soju.

Seeing the soju glass in Yong Hwa's hands, she snatches it and drinks it in one shot.

"Yah! That's it! You're not drinking anymore," Yong Hwa snatches the glass away from her. "You should see your face just now. You look like one hell of a mess! And just so you know, I didn't come here just to see you cry silently and drown yourself in soju," he tells her tenderly, wiping the tears that streak her pretty face after she gulped down the soju.

Hong Ki holds a fork up in front of her. "Shin Hye-ah, tell us what's wrong. Who's making you cry like this?" Then he looks around, his eyes searching for a hidden camera somewhere. "This is not some prank from a stupid show, right? I am not wearing any make-up! I just got out of bed!" He wails, self-consciously smoothing his hair.

Yong Hwa laughs in disbelief. "It's not, stupid. Or is it?" he asks, suddenly unsure as he checks the room for hidden cameras, too. Shin Hye giggles at the two idols' stupid antics despite her tears.

"I wouldn't get drunk and cry my eyes out like this for a stupid show, you idiots!"

Hong Ki looks at her for a moment, studying her face. "What?" Shin Hye asks him self-consciously, sniffing.

He lets out a knowing grin. "She's having a guy problem," he motions to Yong Hwa. "No doubt."

Yong Hwa smirks. "It took you this long to figure that out? Pabo. I knew it's a guy the moment I saw her with these soju bottles. My question is 'who'?"

It's Hong Ki's turn to smirk. "I know who."

Yong Hwa throws an inquisitive look at Hong Ki and frowns. "But...have they...are you..." he turns to Shin Hye, "I thought you..." then back at Hong Ki, "are you sure?"

Shin Hye growls at the two boys in front of her. "Ya! Will you stop talking about me like I'm not here? Yes, I'm crying over a guy. But I'm not telling you who!"

Hong Ki and Yong Hwa exchange knowing glances and smiles. "Ahrasso. Fine by us," Hong Ki tells her.

"So what did this bastard do to you? Tell oppa," Yong Hwa says in a straight face which makes Hong Ki chokes on his kimchi.

"Yeah, tell it to that oppa from Busan who knows how to win a fight with style," he tells Shin Hye, poking fun at Yong Hwa. He just can't imagine how Keun Suk would react if he hears how Yong Hwa had just called him. A bastard, eh? This punk can really deliver the most shocking one-liners sometimes.

Shin Hye nods her head, absently toying with her fork. "Yeah, he is a bastard. But it's my fault that I am hurting this much. I let him. I was stupid to trust my feelings," she utters softly, almost to herself.

Hong Ki stares at Shin Hye and opens his mouth, about to speak, when Yong Hwa, who sits facing the door, abruptly stands up and bows. "Keun Suk-hyung!"

Hong Ki notices how Shin Hye's hands on the table shake a little and he gulps down his soju before turning to greet the late-comer. "About time you got here, Hyung."

~0o0~

If looks could kill, Hong Ki knows Shin Hye has already committed multiple murders against him in the last five minutes. But he had to do what needs to be done. He is tired listening to Keun Suk's endless dilemma on his feelings with Shin Hye and he is done putting up with his excuses of cowardice. "What's wrong in owning up to your feelings? You're dating her anyway," he has told Keun Suk numerous times whenever his hyung would ask him about what to do about Shin Hye.

Hong Ki knows the two have been seeing each other for the past few months. He was the one who told Keun Suk to just ask her out and deal with the consequences later. But he never thought that Keun Suk would stay undecided this long. The minute he saw Shin Hye downed the three soju glasses successively earlier, he knew Keun Suk must have been responsible for the heartbreak written all over her face.

"Did you ever see her touch a glass of soju before?" he has hissed over the phone at Keun Suk. He stepped out to make the call while Yong Hwa was trying to make lame jokes to get Shin Hye's eyes off the soju bottles.

"Huh?" Keun Suk asked in surprise.

"Exactly. You made this mess, I'm not going to clean it up for you, hyung. Get your ass here."

"Yong Hwa-oppa," Shin Hye's strained voice cuts through the awkward silence in the room since Keun Suk arrived, "I want to go home. Can you drive me home tonight?" She throws him her car keys, standing up carefully, trying not to wobble.

"I came here to do just that," Keun Suk says curtly. He walks over to Shin Hye and picks up her purse.

Shin Hye wrestles the purse away from his hands. "Aniyo. I am asking Yong Hwa a favor. Please," she eyes Yong Hwa with pleading eyes.

Yong Hwa looks at Keun Suk first, whose eyes remain transfixed at Shin Hye,  then to Hong Ki, for help. What to do? He is not even sure how he gets here but he sure knows he and Hong Ki are in the middle of a couple's quarrel right now. A quarrel between two friends he did not even have the idea were dating. "Mianhe, Shin Hye, I'm not sober enough to drive. Let hyung drive you home," he says, handing her back the keys. Shin Hye's wrath he could stand but Keun Suk's? No, he has much respect for the guy. Besides, it's true, he has downed several glasses tonight. He's not exactly fit enough to drive a drunken Shin Hye home.

Hong Ki puts a hand on Shin Hye's shoulder. "I called Keun Suk hyung for the rescue because he's the only one I know who can beat that three-glasses-in-a-row you just pulled in front of us," he says jokingly but whispers softly, "Mianhe, you'll thank me for this when you’re sober."

She throws him another dagger look. "You punk!" she hisses angrily and starts to walk off.

Keun Suk grabs her wrist gently and pulls her close to him, wrapping his arms around her shoulders as they walk out of the room. “I got this, guys. I’ll call you both later,” he calls out at the two.

~0o0~

“You don’t have to bring me home,” Shin Hye tells Keun Suk in a formal tone. She doesn’t know how to drive herself home in her current state of mind but she sure knows she can’t be with him tonight without breaking down.

He tilts his head towards her bowed head, adjusting the driver’s seat. “So we are speaking formally, now?” he asks, informally.

She bites her lower lip and nods. “We are in public.”

He forces a laugh. “The hell we are. I’m not bringing you home, by the way. Not until you are sober enough to walk straight.”

He revs up the engine and starts to manoeuvre the car. Shin Hye fishes her cellphone in her purse.

“Who are you calling?” Keun Suk asks.

“My brother,” she says and starts to dial. Keun Suk hastily reaches out and snatches the phone from her. He shuts it off and shoves it into his jacket’s pocket.

“Please. Stop making it difficult for me. I just want to go home,” she pleads quietly, her voice cracking.

Keun Suk’s eyes are on the road. “I will bring you home later. But first, I think we have a lot of things to talk about tonight.”

Shin Hye turns her head away from him as a tear starts to fall on her right cheek. She looks at the window as Keun Suk drives the car past the busy downtown. Her head is hazy and her heart is heavy but his presence tonight has been a balm to her troubled feelings. She has missed him these past few days and though her insecurities about their relationship have been nagging at her the whole day, she knows she could never win a fight with him tonight. She can never walk away, this fact her heart knows to be true. She has been in this too deep. And even though she knows it makes her look stupid even to her very eyes, she can handle the pain for now.

Keun Suk watches her wipe away a tear from the side mirror and clenches his jaw. He knows he is responsible for the pain in her eyes but he just doesn’t know how he inflicted it. Is she giving up on me? He asks himself and a corner of his mind says ‘Possibly.’ He knows he has yet to make a formal proposal for Shin Hye to ask her to be his girlfriend but what guy on his right mind actually pops the question “Can you be my girlfriend?” That’s not his style. Even with his past girlfriends, he just played it cool and let things flow their natural course. They would just date and hang out and before they knew it, they were already doing couple things together and started referring to each other as bf/gf. That’s how he knows this thing works.

But then again, this thing with Shin Hye is different because they don’t get to date out in the open, unlike his past relationships. But surely she knows he just wants to protect her for now, right? And didn’t they both agree that dating out openly would mean death to their privacy and personal lives? Only a few people know he is seeing her – his manager, his parents, his best friend and Hong Ki. But even those people do not know how he really feels about this girl. Because he wants her to know first-hand what he really feels inside. He was just waiting for the courage and the perfect time to say it verbally.

But right now, the rate things are going, he thinks the perfect time just isn’t coming at all.

~0o0~

He opens the passenger seat and offers his hand. “Steady,” he says, holding her hand as Shin Hye eases out of the car.

“I’m fine,” she quips, avoiding his gaze. She breathes in the cool, night air, filling her intoxicated lungs. She feels her head breathes a little. It is a beautiful night. From their vantage point at the scenic Bukak Skyway, they could see the twinkling lights of Seoul below merging with the stars above. A breathtaking view. An inappropriate place to stage a fight, Shin Hye muses sadly.

“Drink this first,” Keun Suk says, offering her the cup of coffee he bought earlier on their way here. She takes the cup and drinks from it, eager to do something to break the awkward silence between them.

Keun Suk watches her drink the coffee and heaves a deep sigh. “Mianhe,” he begins.

Shin Hye cradles the coffee cup with both hands and bows her head. “For what?”

He shoves both his hands in his pants’ pockets. “I don’t know what I did or didn’t do but I know I am the reason for those soju bottles and the tears.”

Hearing this, Shin Hye feels guilty for being angry at him. He sounds like he is really at a loss on what is happening and this pierces her heart more. A part of her doesn’t want to explain her anger, her frustration and her tears to him. If he truly cares for her, he should know it without any explanation from her. But another part of her laments at the thought that she is punishing him unfairly for something he is not even aware of. She just wants him to pacify her insecurities but how would he do it when he doesn’t know they even exist?

She feels the tears flowing before she starts to speak. “Today I saw you on TV,” she starts, her voice breaking. “They were asking you about your ideal type. And of course it wasn’t me,” she forces a laugh to hide her embarrassment and wipes her tears away. “But that’s not it. They asked you about me and you said we are not keeping in touch anymore. And I was like “Liar! We just met this weekend!”

With his head bowed, Keun Suk smiles sheepishly at her last retort. But he keeps silent, wanting her to go on. He knows there are a lot more she wants to say.

She breathes in a lungful of air before she continues. “But that’s not what made me cry. Because I know we could never tell such truth about us in public. I understand that. Perfectly,” she tells him. “But when you said ‘No, I’m not dating anyone right now. I don’t have a gf right now…” That’s when it hit me. Hey, he’s telling the truth. He’s not lying. Because we are not really dating right?” Shin Hye’s voice breaks down at this point and her tears keep flowing, blurring her vision. “I’m not really his gf, right? I kept telling myself after that. And you know what, Oppa? That hurts a lot.”

He hands her his hanky as she starts to wipe her tear-stricken face with her hands yet again. “I would hate myself in the morning for breaking down like this in front of you,” she confesses, composing herself, “But you asked for it.”

He looks at her face steadily. “And I deserve to know the sins I committed.”

He inches his way nearer to where she stands and holds her hand, slowly intertwining his fingers with hers. He sees her closing her eyes at this and takes it as a good sign. He doesn’t know how to begin but he knows he must say his piece. Even just this once.

“Did you know that asking you out for the first time was one of the most difficult things I ever did so far? I was debating with myself for months before I decided to do it. It was a risk I had to take not only because we are both celebrities but also because I knew I might be doing the same mistakes I did with my exes again and hurt you eventually,” his eyes are fixed on the sight below them as he speaks. Beside him, he can feel Shin Hye breathing evenly now. Her tears are gone and her nearness strengthens him to go on with his unplanned speech.

“But I told myself that you’re worth the risk because I like you a lot and I will just have to deal with the consequences later. The important thing was to see you as much as I want to, as often as I would like. You make me happy and being with you is as natural as breathing,” he says softly, his eyes on her. “That’s what girlfriends do, right? So how could you ever think that you’re not my girlfriend?” He touches her cheek with his free hand.

He feels her cheek burn at his touch and letting go of her hand, he cups her face with her two hands. “How can you think that we are not dating? What do you call this? I don’t know about you but I don’t spend my free time doing silly things like singing Japanese nursery songs with just anyone if that’s the only way to be with her. And,” he mockingly glares at her, “I don’t fake being sick to skip a radio appearance just because Hong Ki says a certain girl I know is drinking her heartache away with soju. I don’t do that to just about any girl I know, Shin Hye.”

Ahrasso,” is all Shin Hye can muster to say. She blinks back tears as her heart swells with unexplained joy at his words.

“There’s just one thing I want to get straight from you, though and I want an honest answer,” Keun Suk remembers to ask, his arm drape casually around her shoulders, holding her close.

“What?” she dares to ask.

“Just when did you start drinking soju like a pro?”

She snickers. “Heartaches make you do a lot of things you don’t normally do,” she quips and stands on tiptoes to kiss him softly on his lips just to shut him up.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey! i was really surprised when i realised that you've been frequently updating. keep it coming yea! i love your latest one. it seems as if it's the reality between them right now which i bet everyone is wishing it is. and it's nice to see the happy and sad side of their reltionship too.
anyway, like i said, keep it coming! =D
-holllaaa.

wengwa said...

wwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh..... i'm so happy with this chapter! tnx so much jossa for keeping us updated with ur fanfic... love is really in the air.. hope this is really happening in real life hehehe.... i felt like crying now! tnx again...

jossa said...

@ holllaaa - hey there! nice to see you reading my fanfics again. thanks as always! yeah, been having the inspiration to write lately so I'm flooding this blog with them fanfics! haha

@wengwa - thanks for your comments. really appreciate it. enjoy the love.

Anonymous said...

hey jossa, thank you for giving us a new story. I love, love this story. I have already read it 4 times since finishing it late last night. This story has a mature feel to it.

I have been reading most of your new stories on PSH Int'l forum, so I'm sorry for not posting a comment here or there ^^

I hope the voices continue to tell you their stories.

Anonymous said...

i've just read this for the nth time... it still brings me to tears. thank you for being able to marry celebrity life to normal-people's lives. it makes it more real and one with us mere mortals (i'm sure you get my drift).(:

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